Someone's Mama

Driving in the car on my way to work today something hit me. It may seem weird that it took almost 27 weeks for me to come to this realization, but even so, it hit me like a freight train in a way that I just simply was not expecting.

I am going to be someone's mama.

The thought took my breath away, knocked me on my ass (metaphorically speaking) and made me cry all at once.

I am going to be that person for some little boy in three months. I will be the person that wipes away his tears, he runs to when he hurts and the one who he calls when he is thirty years old for advice. I am going to be that woman. 

The thought simply brings me to my knees.

I Will Be a Wonderful Mother

I Will Be a Wonderful Mother - Author Unknown

There are women who become mothers without effort,
without thought,
without patience or loss,
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,
explore,
and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.


I share this poem not because I think I will be a better mother than anyone else. I will have my failures, pitfalls, terrible days and moments that I want to scream, just like all mothers do. While I think that there is something to be said about struggle and eventually having a greater appreciation for what you struggled for, this is also not why I share this poem today. The reason I share this poem is for what it says at the end.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

These past seven months have also been difficult for me for another reason. I have lost friends. I have seen those who I love, turn their backs on Dan and I in our time of greatest need. I have heard hurtful words and more hurtful than that, felt the silence of words unspoken. Most do not know how to deal with pain, loss and discomfort of another. When we see someone cry, we hand them a tissue, silently telling them to stop, wipe your tears, be done, please for my sake. We hear pleasantries that for those who are going through the heartache are anything but pleasant to hear. "It is all part of God's plan...Just give it time...God says you shouldn't compare...At least you know you can get pregnant...Just stop trying so hard...Enjoy life without kids - want mine?...Give it up to God..." And while most of these phrases and sayings are said with well-intended meanings, they do not usually bring comfort to those in pain. I have even heard things so far as, "Its time to move one...You need to get over this...Stop being so negative..." said from those who truly love me, but do not fully understand the pain and heartache that I am going through.

So while I would never wish these horrific life experiences and journey on anyone, in some ways, I do count myself lucky. I know pain. I know heartache. I know what it is like to lay on the cold hard floor in the bathroom at two in the morning, begging God to give me my babies back. I know what it is like to see dreams die and have to move on, all the while seeing others around you have their dreams coming true. I know what it is like to see pain and hurt in your husbands eyes that literally makes your heart and soul physically ache. And I know that because of this, I am a better friend, sister, daughter, wife, neighbor, and aunt than I was before. I will not run from the pain of those I love and those that I encounter, but I will sit with them in it. Because at the end of the day, isn't that what those who hurt and grieve want? Someone to just be there with them?

So, do I think that I will be the worlds greatest mother one day? No. I know I will struggle just like any other mother. But I do know, that my heartache will, without a doubt, make me a better mother than I would have been otherwise. And for that, I am thankful.