Heaven Got Another Angel...

My grandfather, at a ripe age of 86, died on Friday afternoon, suddenly at home. He had been suffering from some heart issues and had been battling the beginning stages of Alzheimer's for a couple of years. It is never easy to lose someone you love, but my heart is comforted by the fact that he lived such a full, wonderful and long life. 

We said our goodbyes today at his funeral and celebrated a life filled with accomplishments, experience and most importantly love. My grandfather was a husband, father and grandfather first and foremost. He loved his wife, my grandmother of 56 years, and his six children, ten grandchildren, and great-granddaughter. He loved to laugh and tease, but at the same time was a well-respected man in our community and by anyone who he came into contact with. 

Here I am with my grandpa back in the late 1980s. I know exactly what he was saying...."Oh, look at that!!!"

We will miss him dearly but I know that I will see him again someday. He is still my grandpa and I pray he will be doing his great-grandfatherly "duties" up in heaven and take care of my angels. And if he could put in a good word with the big guy for Dan and I; well, that would be a wonderful little extra, too. 

Love you, Grandpa. I hope you're enjoying yourself up there.

Wednesday Quote

Today's food for thought:

I saw this on Pinterest and immediately repinned. It struck me, and brought tears to my eyes when I read it. "She's precious." Me - I am precious. In the sight of the Lord, I am precious. It doesn't say childless, jaded, selfish, wounded, less than perfect, unworthy....it says precious. God thinks I am the cat's meow. That is so easy to forget, but so important to remember. God loves me for me - flaws, shortcomings, stumblings and all; and He has GREAT plans for me. Thank you, dear Lord, for loving me like you do. 

How Baby Greene #1 Came to Be...

I know you all know how babies are conceived. I am not about to go into detail about how our first child was conceived...you know. And if you don't, well, please go ask someone else. But exactly one year ago today, on January 15th, 2012,  I got my first ever positive pregnancy test. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was convinced that the test was going to be negative, I truly did not believe that it was our cycle. It was a Sunday morning and we had plans to do things with family early in the morning, so I got up, took the test, and hopped in the shower. About halfway through my shower (I am notorious for 30 minute showers), I peeked my head out and looked over to the counter. There it was - pregnant! PREGNANT! No. No!! Yes!!! I even think I said out loud to myself, "are you serious?"

This is the actual test that I took on that day, I remember thinking, "I need to capture this on photo for my baby to see one day."

I continued on with my shower, giddy as could be. Dan had woken up by now and came into the bathroom to start his morning. I'll never forget what he said to me, "does this test mean what I think it means?" I of course told him it did, and he went on to ask if I was sure. "Am I sure? I'm pretty sure it says 'pregnant.' That's about as sure as I need to be," I said. We laughed. We hugged. We were reeling. Excited. Scared. Giddy. On cloud nine. For that first day, the excitement, the pure undeniable joy that I felt, I wish I could have bottled it up and kept it forever. It is a feeling that I will never get back. But we were overjoyed and feeling so blessed that we had a child on the way. Our baby.

Little did we know that our happiness, hope and excitement would be short lived. Almost exactly a month later we would find out that our sweet baby was gone.

As today approached, I honestly did not give it much thought. It was another anniversary in a string of anniversaries to come our way in 2013. But the day brought with it much more emotion than I had anticipated. I was teary all day, wistfully thinking about the naivety and excitement that we felt for such a short period of time. Dreaming of all that could have been and should have been in the past year of our lives. 

What saddened me most, next to missing my baby so deeply and terribly was the recollection of everything that has happened over the past year. All I could think was how so much, yet so little can change in a year. While we have been through hell and back in the past year, we are still childless. We still yearn for a baby every single day. We still continue to struggle with infertility and trek down a road filled with a load of unknowns. But I know I am different because of it, better and stronger, but forever changed by this past year.

Thankful Thursday - Favorite Things Edition

I thought I would try something new for my Thankful Thursday post. This week is my favorite things edition. I had a hard time picking nine things to put in my collage, but they are some of my favorites that I simply cannot live without!!

1) Donuts - I love them glazed, sugared, iced, stuffed, any way possible!
2) Crafting - I would say that this is my biggest hobby and always has been since I was a little girl
3) Country music - this is the soundtrack to my soul
4) Cozy moments in our home - there are no greater moments as a couple than the ones that require very little hype (by the fireplace is an extra plus!)
5) Hot tea - black, dark and extra hot!
6) Bookstores and books - even in the day and age with electronic books, nothing quite satisfies my mind as much as a fresh stack of new books
7) Photography - I love the old cameras, the ones where you had to rely on your skills to take the photo because the camera didn't figure it out for you. I also love developing photos in a dark room. It is the most relaxing and cathartic experience I have ever had.
8) Red wine - need I say more?
9) Puppies - I love my boys but any breed, size, or personality will melt my heart

Thank you, God, for these simple life pleasures.

Wednesday Quote

Today's food for thought:

It is two days into this New Year and I am still feeling hopeful, inspired and ready for some good change. I feel empowered and ready to take this life by the reigns. I want to build on my feelings of fear and disappointment, and create hope, joy and happiness. Our sadness needs to become a thing of the past. I am ready to let go.....

New Year, New Beginning

It has been an entire month since my last post. The holidays have been filled with loads of shopping, decorating, baking and time spent with friends and family. I always look forward to and dread the holidays with equal fervor. I love everything about Christmastime, but on the other hand, I hate when it is over. So I tried very hard to take a step back from everything and just enjoy myself. We had a fantastic holiday season and in a days time, I will be back to work and the regular grind. Blahhhhh....

Christmas morning at my parents!!

As for our last cycle, it failed. We knew we would know one way or the other in the couple of days leading up to Christmas - either a huge present or another huge letdown. As 2012 would have it, we were let down, again. I did not realize how hopeful in my heart I was for this cycle and its possible success. One of the incredibly difficult things about TTC is the constant rollercoaster of emotions. The ups and downs of hopefulness, excitement, fear and apprehension. I thought I had done a fairly good job at managing my own expectations and Dan's, but once we realized that a positive pregnancy test wasn't in our future this time, we were both more disappointed than I had expected. That disappointment, coupled with another uncomfortable situation with people in our lives who felt as though they needed to pass judgement on us, made for a rocky start to the holiday week. After lots of tears, many discussions, and some reflection, I made a decision within myself to move forward. I was not going to allow yet another disappointment ruin my favorite time of the year. We really did have a great time with family, relaxing and spending quality time together. 

As the New Year approached in the past week, I vacillated between complete cynicism and wholehearted hopefulness. 2012 held an incredible amount of loss, sickness and struggle for Dan and I. We lost two babies. I had four surgeries. I missed almost seven weeks of work for medical reasons. Another year went by and we still remained childless. Instilling hope in my heart that 2013 would be different, seemed impossible. It also felt very scary to me. If I allowed myself to be hopeful again, I set myself up to be potentially let down. On the other hand, if I continued with my cynical outlook, I would disallow myself from feeling anything good. 

Dan and I had been eating dinner together a few nights ago and I asked him when the last time he felt joy was. He told me that it was sometime in the last few days during the holidays when we spent time with my family. He then asked me when the last time I felt joy was. I honestly couldn't remember. I broke down in tears and we had a long talk about the future, hope, joy and the unknown. I do not know what changed inside of me after that point, but all I can say is that I made a conscious decision to move forward. I want to feel joy again. I want to be hopeful. I want to believe that 2013 will have fabulous and beautiful things in store for us. I also want to believe that we will somehow, someway, get closer to our dream of being parents. Without this hope, nothing seems possible. As scary as it is, this is the choice I want to choose. 

It is my desperate and faithful prayer that God has insanely amazing things in store for us in 2013. I have to keep that hope in my heart alive, because nothing seems good or right without it.