9 Weeks: Olive

Today is Easter and we got to spend some great time with our extended family. My immediate family is living it up in Mexico (jealous!), so Dan and I made our rounds from church, to my aunts and then back home to spend time with my brother and his girlfriend. I'm feeling extra blessed today and also quite excited. A dear friend of mine went into labor this evening! She is a loss mom and has been down a difficult road. I am so excited to welcome her baby boy into this world and meet him very soon!

How far along? 9 weeks

How big is baby? Pumpkin is the size of an olive - about .9 inches. Baby weighs about .07 ounces! Pumpkin's facial features are more distinct now - with definite ears, nose and a mouth. The placenta is now fully functioning as well!

Any appointments or updates this week? We have our first OB appointment with Dr. D. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I cannot wait to see her, she always makes me feel so much better about things. 

Symptoms/body changes? Still tired and nauseated pretty frequently. The vomiting has subsided, but the nausea remains. Strangely enough, it is worse in the evenings when I get home from work. The term 'morning sickness' should just be changed to 'whenever your body feels like making you feel like crap - sickness,' or something like that!

Food cravings/aversions? Celery. That is weird, right? I have no explanation for it, other than we were at my in-laws this weekend and my MIL had a veggie tray - I ate all the celery off of it and now I can't get enough. And frozen yogurt. Dan has had to run to Menchies many evenings right as they are closing. 9pm and frozen yogurt go hand-in-hand pretty well. Lots of foods still sound absolutely horrid to me, but I have to say that my appetite is slowly returning. I'm hoping things keep up. 

  

Odds and Ends? Not much. Still chugging along with the Lovenox shots and they are nothing more than a part of my daily routine at this point. You can find syringes all over the house and in the cars - it really is quite funny.

Next week, pumpkin officially enters into it's "fetus" stage. I am really looking forward to that week and entering into double digit weeks. I honestly cannot believe how fast the time is flying - I never thought I would be saying that.

Graduation

Our second appointment with Dr. M was today. Strangely enough, I went into this appointment with a calm sense of optimism and eerie confidence. 

The lobby today was busting at the seams and we were told that Dr. M was running over a half hour behind. For a mama who can't wait to see her baby on an ultrasound and who is also scared out of her wits, a half hour wait is not welcome information. The joys of an infertility clinic. The fact of the matter is, scheduling at an office like this is not like your regular doctor. Women need to be seen on certain days of their cycle, and cycles have no interest in making sure that only a small select few women need to be there that day. Wait time is often high at offices like this, but you get used to it. Another part of the game we play. 

I will spare you all the details of the visit, but let me just say, as soon as that picture on the screen came up, I knew what I was seeing. My baby. With teeny tiny little arms and legs. And a heartbeat. 176bpm!!!!!

Our little pumpkin measuring right on track at 8w4d! My sisters swear baby looks like a fish!!

Dr. M even was able to show us the baby wiggling a little bit at this point. Oh my goodness. Words cannot even describe the warm overwhelming feeling of joy I felt when I saw that. My baby was wiggling. 

After the ultrasound I told Dr. M that I had spoken to my OB and I would be seeing her next week. This was our last time seeing him for this pregnancy. He of course, in true Dr. M fashion, made some cute jokes and told me to call if I needed anything at all. We hugged, Dan and he shook hands and we said our goodbyes. I wanted to cry right there. Without this man, who knows where I would be. He helped us get to this point. I will forever be thankful for all he had done for us.

I luckily got to say goodbye to my favorite nurse, Joyce, and we hugged. She wished us luck and begged for us to send pictures. 

Being at an infertility clinic, I have been on the opposite end of heartbreak far too many times. I have always been super conscientious to put my ultrasound pictures deep into my purse before I entered back into the lobby. A hurting woman struggling with loss or infertility does not need to catch a glimpse of my baby pictures. It is a dagger straight to the heart - one I know all too well.

As we checked out at the receptionist's desk, she too congratulated us (a little too loudly I might add) and gave us a bag full of magazines, handouts and a gift from the doctors. As I was walking away, feeling a tad uncomfortable as the entire lobby was staring right at me, she said, "now don't forget to send us baby pictures." 

This experience perfectly encapsulated the polarizing feeling of being pregnant and excited, but at the same time being all too aware of the heartache going on around you. I have far too many friends still yearning and praying for their baby and dealing with heartache that no one should ever have to deal with. It is because of these women, and women like them everywhere, that I will be dealing with this pregnancy differently. I know the pain of seeing an ultrasound photo on Facebook, or hearing one too many complaints of how being pregnant is uncomfortable and just not fun. Women who are hurting and who would do anything, literally anything, to have their baby do not want to hear about your daily heartburn or lack of sleep. I feel like these experiences have overall made me a more aware woman and better friend. 

So as I walked out of the office with my baby's pictures in my purse, hope in my heart and a smile on my face, my heart was still heavy. I keep praying, as I do every single night, for my friends and those who I don't know to be able to feel what I am feeling right now. Every single person deserves this joy. 

8 Weeks: Raspberry

Today we told our immediate families!! I was hesitant to do so and really wanted to wait until our appointment on Thursday, but Dan desperately wanted to tell, especially my family and siblings, and we did. They of course were elated and couldn't be happier for us. 

8 week, lots of clothes are starting to get tight, loads of bloat, non-bump picture!

How far along? 8 weeks

How big is baby? Pumpkin is the size of a raspberry - about .62 inches. Baby now weighs a teeny .04 ounces! Baby's arms and legs are moving like crazy and baby's taste buds are forming this week!

Any appointments or updates this week? We have our second appointment and ultrasound with Dr. M on Thursday. I will be 8w4d. If we have a good appointment on Thursday it will be the most pregnant I have ever been. Thursday cannot come fast enough!

Symptoms/body changes? Same as last week. The morning sickness has yet to subside and I have been blessed with another fun symptom. Constipation. People are not joking when they tell you that being constipated hurts like heck. I will get into no more details than that, but it is nothing to mess around with. Ick.

Food cravings/aversions? Still very very little appetite. I have been finding some things that curb my hunger that plagues me all day long. Peanut butter Girl Scout cookies for one, and lots of pretzels. Meals in a whole fashion, ie. meat, veggie, fruit, etc. just do not exist at this point. I am praying that soon I can start eating like a real human again. 

  

Odds and Ends? Nothing much. Quiet is good - I keep telling myself that.

7 Weeks: Blerg.

Morning sickness is no joke. No joke. This has been my worst week so far and I am surprised I am still here to recount it. Not only have I been sick with typical pregnancy afflictions, I also spent the weekend in bed with a terrible cold/sinus issue. I literally did not leave my bed all weekend. 

My 7 week, non-bump, lots of bloat, Happy St. Patty's day, exhausted photo.

How far along? 7 weeks

How big is baby? Pumpkin is the size of a blueberry - about .51 inches. Baby's arm and leg buds are getting longer and the joints in her arms and legs are forming. Baby's brain and heart are becoming more complex and baby's kidneys begin to form this week.

Any appointments or updates this week? Nothing this week. We will have our second ultrasound appointment next week. I can't wait!

Symptoms/body changes? Morning sickness. And more morning sickness. I have had to run to the bathroom a few times at this point and have lost my lunch a couple of times too. I have zero, I mean zero appetite and feel sick to my stomach 24/7. I also started with a terrible cold or sinus infection a few days ago and have never blown my nose so much in my entire life. In a few books and online I read that an increase in nasal congestion is actually common for early pregnancy. I am hoping that whatever this is is on its last leg so I can at least go to work this week. 

Food cravings/aversions? Nothing sounds good. Nothing. I swear I had to have lost at least 5-7 pounds in the past two weeks from a lack of eating. I got worried and called the doctor about it. The nurse said that as long as I am able to keep down fluids and can stomach even the smallest of snacks, I am fine. She said, "baby is getting everything it needs right now - you are just the one suffering." I can totally deal with that. 

  

Odds and Ends? Nothing much. Now back to bed I must go. 

The Most Beautiful Sight

Today was our first appointment with Dr. M. At our first appointments with the other pregnancies I was terrified - stomach in knots with just an overall bad feeling in my gut. Today, while I was terrified and scared out of my mind, the feelings weren't the same. My good friend said that this is how she knew her third baby was going to be her rainbow. She just felt it in her gut.

Dr. M came into the office and in his usual sarcastic way, got things underway. We made some lighthearted chat and he got ready to do the ultrasound. He could tell I was terrified and I said so as much. I told him I didn't want to do it, and he knew what I meant. He said, "Meg, there is nothing saying we have to do an ultrasound today, but unfortunately, I can't make any educated guesses on what's going on in there if you don't let me look. I'm not a vagina reader." He of course got a laugh out of Dan and I, and started with the ultrasound.

And what I saw and heard next brought tears to my eyes and butterflies. 

That's a teeny little baby with teeny little arm "buds"!!! 

 Dr. M made me open my eyes and see my baby on the screen. He showed us the baby, the teensy little arm buds and let us listen to the heartbeat. 121bpm!!!!! Dan had this huge smile on his face and I felt like someone had lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders. We have a baby inside there with a strong heartbeat. 

After Dr. M left the room to let me get dressed the first thing I said to Dan was "God is good." And isn't that so true? 

We go back in two weeks for another ultrasound and appointment. In the meantime I am to call my OB and see when she wants to start following me. The thought of leaving the comfort of Dr. M's office where we have spent so much time in the past year feels so scary to me. But I know all good things must come to an end for other even better things to begin. Here we go....

6 Weeks: Moving Right Along

This week consecutively flew by and crept by all at once; if that's even possible. I am six weeks today, which is very exciting for me because that means that pumpkin's heart starts beating this week and we have our first appointment and ultrasound. Our baby's heart is beating!

This is my 6 week, exhausted, just woke up from a nap, lots of bloat, non-bump.

How far along? 6 weeks

How big is baby? Pumpkin is the size of a sweet pea - about .25 inches. Over the course of this week, pumpkin will double in size!

Any appointments or updates this week? We have our first prenatal appointment and ultrasound on Thursday, when I will be 6w4d. My prayer is that we see a healthy, thriving baby with a strong heartbeat.

Symptoms/body changes? An insane type of exhaustion that plagues me 24/7. I am nauseated when I wake in the mornings, whenever I am hungry, anytime after I eat and typically from 9pm until bedtime. Gas, bloating, heartburn and constipation, all of which seem to go hand in hand. Also, things that come and go - headaches, hot flashes and  irritable beyond belief - poor Dan has been the victim of that one too many times. 

By the end of the day, I am bloated like crazy. My boobs are getting a little bigger and my hips are still killing me. While this week has been the worst I've felt thus far, I am in no way complaining. I would endure anything for my rainbow.

Food cravings/aversions? My appetite has been less than ideal lately. Dan actually said to me this weekend, "you look skinny, like you are losing weight. I hope you're eating enough for you and baby." The thing is, I have no appetite. My tummy is starving constantly, but very few things sound good. I am craving everything sweet - rice crispie treats, Girl Scout cookies, donuts, Popsicles, cinnamon toast, anything with lots and lots of sugar. I had a serious craving this week for a gyro and I want cheese on everything. I have eaten an embarrassing amount of block pepper-jack cheese over the past two weeks. I really need to start focusing on eating healthy - fruits, veggies and protein. God help me. 

  

Odds and Ends? I am still adjusting to the Lovenox shots, but I am getting so much more comfortable with them. The right side of my tummy has an insane amount of bruises, but I seem to be bruising a lot less. I also get my blood drawn on Monday for my hematologist. He will be checking my platelet levels bi-weekly until he feels reassured that the Lovenox will not be bringing my old ITP back. 

I have fallen so head over heels in love with this baby over the course of this week. This is a very strange and foreign feeling to me at this point. That is not to say that I did not love both of my angels when they were in my belly, but I was always so worried about what was going to go wrong, that I forgot to just enjoy being pregnant. My vow to myself, Dan and my baby this time around was to enjoy every single minute of this. A common mantra for mamas who are pregnant after a loss(es) is, "Today I am pregnant and I love my baby." Today I am pregnant and I love my baby. A-freaking-men. 

Week 5: Appleseed

Our little secret. It is hard knowing what's going on inside of my body and not wanting to shout it from the rooftops. Dan and I, and a few of my very close girlfriends are the only people who know our secret. While it is hard to keep, after our last loss, I vowed that I would keep it that way. Telling people, even if it was just our immediate family and then untelling them is heartbreaking. I hate knowing that someone else's heart is hurting because of my plight. Dan has been very supportive of this and I am so thankful of that.

My first 'bump' picture of this pregnancy - obviously minus any sort of bump.

How far along? 5 weeks

How big is baby? Pumpkin is the size of an apple seed - about .13 inches. Over the course of this week, pumpkin will almost double in size! 

Any appointments or updates this week? Nothing this week. Still anticipating our first appointment next week. I feel like it cannot come fast enough.

Symptoms/body changes? Every possible symptom? Okay, I may be over-exaggerating a tad, but it sure feels like it. Overall, I am mostly tired and starting with some nausea. Hot flashes are keeping me up at night, which is not going hand in hand with my exhaustion well at all. 

Food cravings/aversions? Nada.

  

Odds and Ends? The Lovenox shots are keeping me on my toes. I am slowly becoming accustomed to them, but it still takes me a good minute or so before I can work up the courage to actually stick myself with the needle. I know I will get better at it - in due time.

For those who have been pregnant before, you know that this point in time feels like one of the longest. All I want is that ultrasound to be here so I can see my baby and make sure that everything is progressing as it should. Until then, my prayers and deep breathing will have to be enough. 

Beta #3

I was having a freak-out moment yesterday and ended up calling Dr. M's office and requested a third beta. The nurse was very understanding and told me that she completely understood. I went this morning, got my blood drawn and was a nervous mess for the first time this entire pregnancy. 

I finally got a call around lunchtime and my beta was 1163!!!!!! This was a 46 hour doubling time from my last beta on Wednesday. The nurse reiterated how great this was and that I should feel confident about this.

I do! Today I am pregnant and I love my baby!!