As I sat in bed tonight, while browsing the Internet on the laptop, I watched the movie The Vow. The opening credits began to roll and I got this all too familiar feeling in my gut. A feeling that you get when you smell a familiar scent, hear a familiar song, see a familiar face, visit a familiar place. For me, this movie, was one of those moments - bringing up feelings of a time past. Memories, some of which I would like to forget.
I can tell you when I saw this movie for the first time, the exact date, what I wore, what my husband and I had for dinner that night right before we went to the theater, and how my heart hurt more that night than it ever had in my short twenty-seven years on this earth. You see, earlier that day, on February 13th, 2012, we had a doctors appointment. We had taken off work knowing that this was an exciting appointment, one that we were going to take the entire cold winter day to celebrate with one another over. We were going to celebrate Valentine's Day a day early - a little shopping, lunch, then dinner and a movie. However, our appointment, which was to be the first of many happy and monumental appointments, took a turn that neither one of us had expected.
I had found out that I was pregnant, after almost nine months of actively TTC, countless doctors appointments, referrals to specialists, diagnoses and a round of fertility treatment, on January 15th, 2012. Just four weeks later at our eight week prenatal appointment, we found out that I had miscarried our baby. It was a series of moments that will remain with me forever. The following day, after we had gone home from our appointment and I laid in bed and cried, wishing I could hide from the world forever, then worked up enough courage to go to a local pizza place for dinner still feeling the effects of my lingering morning sickness, and then seeing the movie at the theater, I had surgery. My OBGYN performed a D&C, where I was placed under anesthetic and woke up in a recovery room, feeling empty, sad and betrayed by my own body.
Here I am, a little more than five months out from this unforgettable experience, feeling as though so much has changed, happened and been tossed around inside of me. We still aren't pregnant again, despite two additional surgeries, multiple diagnostic procedures, a new reproductive endocrinologist, a few thousand dollars poorer, and two more failed medicated fertility cycles behind us. We have been through so much, come so far, and are absolutely changed people because of the experiences we have gone through in the past year. I will never be the same. I never imagined that a series of events could change me, for better and for worse, in the ways in which they had.
So why blog? I hope if nothing else, this blog can be a record for me to come back to and see how far I have come. I hope that it can work to allow me to get my thoughts out and my mind cleared. I hope that this blog can be more than a chronicle of our journey with infertility, but can chronicle our lives as a couple and my life as a wife, daughter, friend, neighbor, woman, and one day - mother. I often will come up with a crazy idea, a craft, a good recipe, a new household trick and want somewhere to put it so that I can come back to it. I hope for Imperfectly Perfect to be that place.
In the movie The Vow, there is a quote that spoke to me and still speaks to me. Channing Tatum's character, Leo states, 'The moment of impact. The moment of impact proves potential for change. Has ripple effects far beyond what we can predict. Sending some particles crashing together. Making them closer than before. While sending others spinning off into great ventures. Landing them where you've never thought you've found them. That's the thing about moments like these. You can't, no matter how hard you try, control how it's gonna affect you. You just gotta let the colliding parts go where they may. And wait. For the next collision."
Isn't that so true in so many ways? I know for a fact that it is.
